Abuse, love and Jesus...

“It’s true the manipulator is the loneliest person in the world.  And the second loneliest is the person being manipulated.  Unless we’re honest with each other, we can’t connect.  We can’t be intimate.  Only God can penetrate a manipulative person’s heart, and even then, he sits quietly, waiting for them to stop running their con.”  Donald Miller

I am writing this with other abused men in mind and primarily within the church setting.  As I write these words, I’m overcome by a deep sorrow for those who are enduring abuse by someone they love.  I interviewed four other men who shared similar situations as mine, out of those men two also faced the smear campaign that seriously damaged their relationship with their church and community.  I wish I could come alongside every man who’s facing abuse by a spouse and show them love and support.  This chapter of my life has been the most difficult and to be honest, I wouldn’t change the fact that I went through it.  

I hope to leave you with a feeling that you’re not alone in this struggle.  That it isn’t your fault that this happened and that it’s not your fault that your wife or girlfriend is emotionally abusive.  No matter how damaged or wounded they are, they don’t have the right to abuse others.  I know that in this dark time it may feel like the whole world has abandoned you and even the throne of God is closed off.  I want you to know that Jesus loves you and is suffering with you through this trial.  I hope to both offer support and to point you to Jesus.  I pray that my words reflect Christ and His love for us.  

“For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.”  Romans 8:7

Alpha…

For the sake of this post, I’m going to refer to all emotional abusers, including mine, as Alpha.  I can’t say that all Alpha’s are the same, but I believe that they’ve all developed similar coping skills and tactics that are used for some reason.  I think that they all share a common desire for their own good above others.  This means that they will always put themselves, their needs and wants above that of others even when their desires harm others.  I think that even when Alpha does good things like volunteering and becoming what seems to be the perfect wife they do so because they get something out of it that serves them more than what they give.  I also see that we need to look at Alpha on a continuum, some are more severe than others.    

“Transgression speaks to the wicked

deep in his heart;

there is no fear of God

before his eyes.

For he flatters himself in his own eyes

that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated.

The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit;

he has ceased to act wisely and do good.

He plots trouble while on his bed;

he sets himself in a way that is not good;

he does not reject evil.”

Psalm 36:1-4

From my own experience, I don’t think that Alpha has a conscience, nor do they experience any empathy or remorse.  Most people have some kind of remorse for behavior that hurts others, but not Alpha.  For whatever reason, they do not feel bad about their actions.  In the words of my Alpha; “I didn’t ask for forgiveness because I didn’t do anything wrong.”  This is oftentimes unbelievable to others who see a world that’s guided by some level of empathy.  This lack of empathy also gives Alpha a high degree of freedom to act in whatever way they see fit, as long as their desires are met.  Many of their ideas and motivations come from this place void of empathy.  It is important to understand that Alpha doesn’t function like other humans.  They cannot see their faults, much less own them, unless it serves them as a tool for manipulation.  In our minds we think that if we can only help them see how they’ve hurt us and others they’ll change, yet they can’t.  Without empathy they cannot fulfill Christ’s command to love others as yourself.  Without repentance, they cannot know His saving grace. ¨Repentance is the fruit of salvation.¨   

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.  The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.”  Jill Blakeing 

For reasons that I’m not going to dive into, Alpha desires control more than anything else and they’re willing to use any tactic to gain that control.  Here are a few of the most common and the ones that were used against me.  Shaming/humiliating:  Alpha will use our real and imaginary mistakes and flaws to belittle and tear down those people closest to them.  They repeat this shaming over and over, reinforcing it with true and false evidence.  People who have been torn down are much easier to control.  Destruction of a partner’s property:  They may throw away keepsakes and important items.  If it’s of value to you, they may destroy or throw it away for their own reasons.  Discounting feelings, needs, and opinions:  Since Alpha is a deeply selfish person, they tend to elevate their own feelings, needs, and opinions over those of others.  Justification:  In Alpha’s mind, truth is relative and reality is their own perspective and they both depend on Alpha’s goals.  In this world of a changing narrative, they’re able to justify their behavior.  Ignoring:  Silent treatments are deadly to relationships. They are a form of emotional abuse because relationships depend on communication. Alpha used silence to control and manipulate, especially when Alpha felt threatened.  For me, it felt like a form of abandonment, which Alpha knew was my emotional panic button.  Projection:  Alpha would at times accuse me of things they were doing.  If we confront Alpha on sinful behavior, they would deflect and accuse us.  It’s always someone else's fault and most of the time you’re to blame.    

“Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don’t question themselves.  They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them.  They always say the problem is someone else.”  Darlene Ouimet

Gaslighting:  Making a partner believe lies and undermining reality.  Personally, this was one of the hardest to understand and face, especially within the church.  We are taught to love others, to believe others and to accept that others are sinful and fallen.  All of this is true, yet within the context of a relationship in which a partner is actively trying to control the other by any means necessary the situation quickly becomes destructive.  Alpha is extremely charming and persuasive and they use these skills to convince you and others of a false narrative.  They will repeat their lies so often and with such skill that you may start to believe it yourself.  Alpha will also use others to reinforce their lie by enlisting them.  Alpha will convince others, especially targeting people you know, of a lie and many of them in an effort to help will approach you regurgitating this lie.  Unknowingly, they’ve become agents of an emotional abuser. When you start questioning your reality, they’re able to start convincing you of almost anything.  As you slip deeper into Alpha’s world, you start losing touch with most everything that you once held on to.  Looking back, I had no idea what was real and what wasn’t.  This includes Alpha’s past, their beliefs and most anything they said.  Reality was always dependent on Alpha’s emotional state and their own desire for control and power.           

The Body...

Many of the leaders or counselors within the Christian community will try to move you to be some kind of super human that is able to continue to withstand the abuse.  As a man, we are called to love our wives, Eph. 5, yet under the weight of the abuse it becomes nearly impossible.  It is my belief that in a covenant there are two people and when one of them abandons that covenant through emotional/physical abuse we need to find distance from the abuser.  The Bible also acknowledges that the church can be deceived by the abuser, 2 Cor. 11:3. Just like Satan entered the Garden of Eden, the abuser enters the church and manipulates just as the Serpent did. The book of Jude also warns us about people like the abuser; v4 “For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality…”  Abusers aren't easily identified, they look like us and even seem to be amazing Christians, yet they pervert the Gospel in order to serve themselves and their father and will speak lies out of their own character, John 8:44. 

From a Christian marriage counseling perspective all marriage problems are viewed as two sinners with conflict.  They often see the situation as shared responsibility and both are at fault.  “Even if he is ninety-eight percent at fault and you are only two percent at fault, you should repent and confess of your two percent.  Now try harder.”  From my perspective in an abusive relationship this counseling method doesn’t work.  Alpha will not admit to their faults and will claim to be right all along.  By confessing your own two percent, they may be able to convince others that they were the victim.  Confessing my own part to others was one of my biggest mistakes, Alpha was able to build huge lies and use my own confessions as evidence to their validity. Alpha never confessed to anything.  In the cases of abuse, one person is guilty and the other is innocent.

From my own experience, I cannot love Alpha into changing, into seeking therapy or repentance.  If you acknowledge the abuse and want to find healing for your marriage you cannot do so by loving them so much that they change.  The abuser only thinks of themselves and no matter how much you love them, they will always want more.  They probably will never see the deep hurt that they cause you and others around them.  

Isolation

In my own experience, abuse is very isolating.  Finding someone who will not only listen, but who understands my plight was near impossible.  Not only does Alpha try to isolate us from others,  oftentimes they’ve already told family and friends false negative things about us and occasionally water those lies in an effort to allow the lie to grow.  Lies are most believable when they contain elements of truth and Alpha has already done their research on your vulnerabilities and knows what truths to weave into their lie.  

In my situation, after I started talking to others about the things that happened, people found it hard to believe that Alpha was lying and that anyone could make up or twist things the way Alpha did.  The Alpha’s thinking is so different from others that people simply cannot believe that someone would lie about certain things.  In my own situation, Alpha was so convincing and charming that people simply believed them or at least questioned everything enough that they just walked away from the situation.  It’s hard.  It was the hardest time of my adult life.  People that I thought would stand by me were taken by Alpha’s persuasiveness and saw me at least in part through the fictional lens that Alpha constructed. 

Here lies a difficult choice, do you defend yourself against the lies or do you keep silent?  Alpha has already prepared others for your possible response.  They’ve weaved the lies with specks of truth. In my own situation I wish that I had not tried to correct people when they repeated the lies from Alpha or if they believed the lies that were told about me.  Alpha knew exactly what to do and say to get a reaction out of me.  They knew my most vulnerable places and were willing to use those vulnerabilities to steer and manipulate my reactions.  They would push all the right buttons and step back and watch.  It wasn’t until I realized what was happening and decided to stop reacting that Alpha finally decided to change tactics.  Yet, we don’t ever expect the person that we love to do these things.  We don’t expect the person we trust the most to do everything in their power to destroy and hurt us.       

Emotional impact

Before Alpha left, I gradually slipped into a feeling of depression and isolation.  I found it harder and harder to regulate my own emotions and I was continually being told that I was worthless and wasn’t good enough.  It became harder and harder to sleep and I was afraid at times going to sleep next to her.  I started to be on guard for manipulation and destructive acts and this led to fear, confusion and a feeling of hopelessness.  My life felt like I was on the spin cycle of a washer.  After Alpha left, the abuse continued to deeply impact me.  I developed unhealthy coping strategies and could only sleep 3-4 hours a day.  The isolation continued to increase as Alpha successfully drew my own church family close to her and away from me.  I got repulsed looks from others at church and others went out of their way to not look at me.  I felt shunned by the people I loved and served, which broke my heart.  Most of the people who I had spent the past three years worshiping with had at a minimum decided to stay away from me.  The feeling of not only being discarded by Alpha, but abandoned by my church had a powerful impact on me, my heart was filled with sadness.  I also had recurring nightmares every night for the first five months after she left.  On going intrusive thoughts throughout the day, replaying her words and the feelings that accompanied them.  My counselor believed I was suffering from acute stress disorder, which resembles PTSD.      

I had a shrinking sense of self.  Constantly being told that I bring nothing to the relationship.  Struggling to meet the demands and always being told that I’m falling short, that I’m not good enough, that almost all the other men of the world are better at almost everything.  I was left feeling alone and isolated.  Everything about me was constantly being discounted.  I lost hope.  To make things worse, I was shamed for being beat down.  I was shamed by certain religious leaders that this was my fault and blamed for the abuse that I was receiving.

Perhaps it would be best for you to find support in another church.  You’ll have to put away the feeling that people will view you poorly for leaving.  We can't control the way others view us and in an abusive and controlling relationship you’re going to lose a lot of people that were in your life, people that you thought would stand by you and love you.  It’s so hard to face this fact, but it is one you’ll have to embrace.  Try hard not to allow this feeling of abandonment to turn to bitterness and anger.  Don’t try to convince them of the truth and most of all, don’t try and stoop to the same level as Alpha.  Remember, Alpha is a master at understanding and manipulating others and they’re extremely sensitive to the emotions of others.  My advice to you, let go of those people who aren’t willing to seek out the truth and those people who are easily swayed from God’s truth, these people aren’t your friends.  For whatever reason their eyes are covered to the truth and may even fall into the charm and addictive personality that Alpha often has.    

"Revenge is surviving, getting out, and being a better person than you were, and breaking the cycle." Kristy Green

Finding healing

I think the path to healing is different for everyone, I only hope that sharing my path will help you discover yours.  I met with a pastoral counselor for six months and covered a lot of questions. My first question was: Am I crazy?  Were the things Alpha was saying about me true, was I imagining it all, was I distorting the truth?  What were my own sins/faults in the relationship, how did I get into this relationship and how to handle Alpha moving forward?  I learned about setting boundaries and was able to see that Alpha was the reason for this situation.  I came to the point of accepting that no matter what I would have done, how much I would pray, or how much love I poured into her, it would not have changed the outcome.  I accepted that I did not make Alpha this way and that I cannot change her.  Find a counselor that uses an integrated counseling model and has experience in abusive marriages.  

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient." Charles M. Blow

I embraced the love of others.  There were some who saw through her façade and offered me love and support through this time.  I suggest that you turn to those that love you, keep their counsel.  Your Alpha is going to pull friends and maybe even family away from you.  Remember, they are experts at manipulating others and know how to push buttons.  Don’t confide in anyone that you believe to be a part of their harem, you’re simply not going to be able to convince them that they’re supporting an abuser.   

"For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people." 2 Timothy 2:1-9

I had to learn to stop projecting my own morality and empathy onto Alpha.  I think we are all guilty of some form of projection, for me it was expecting Alpha to care about my feelings.  They sometimes did, but only as far as it served Alpha’s desire for control.  “Validate your reality as opposed to the one the abuser has created and distorted for you through gaslighting and projection.”  It takes a long time to get your footing back after spending any amount of time on the “spin cycle” of Alpha’s narrative.  The abuse from Alpha also forms a kind of trauma bond, research it.  Understand the positive feelings you have for Alpha.  Reconcile the true Alpha with the façade that Alpha portrays.  The abuse, neglect, lies, deceptions and manipulation is the true Alpha and the mask is what they used to hook you and others.  

Moving on

Let go of the idea of holding them accountable for their actions.  They’ve abused in the past and you simply cannot stop them from doing it again.  You’ll have to come to a place of forgiving them and those that supported your Alpha.  Forgive the people who turned their back on you, remember what Jesus said;  “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  Luke 23:34.  These people were taken in by the persuasiveness and charm just like you were.  Forgiving them frees you, it doesn’t free them. Remember the three C's: "I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it."

Let love be first

Regardless of what people did to Jesus, He was still Himself.  He didn’t strike out in revenge, He didn’t hold a grudge and even in knowing that all His disciples would abandon Him, He loved them.  This may be the hardest thing to do; to love your Alpha.  Yet our Lord commands us to love them and pray for them.  Loving them doesn’t mean you allow them to abuse you, it doesn’t mean that you allow them to continue their actions, it does mean that you should reflect Christ in all that you say and do.  Understand that it was God’s grace that you were saved and you could have very easily been born into the same situation that led Alpha to be the way they are.  We are called by God, we are chosen, let that truth burn deep.  The difference between us and the Alpha’s of the world is very small and it all depends on God’s grace.    

Remember that God is in control and He uses what the enemy meant for evil for our good.  This time of my life was by far the most difficult.  I see many lessons that were learned and my relationship with Jesus has never been closer.  I believe that God withdrew and allowed me to be sifted and tempted by Satan, in which I relied not on God, but on myself.  God showed me many hidden sins in my life and flaws in my own idea of God.  I’m sure He will work other blessings into this situation for others that were involved.      

Recall the ways in which you’ve offended God, recall the forgiveness that you have received from God.  If I’m truly honest with myself, I’ll see that the amount of forgiveness that I’ve received from God is significantly more than the forgiveness I need to give Alpha.  Refer to the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matt 18:21-35.  Even if Alpha never asks for forgiveness, nor even acknowledges the harm caused, never a “I’m sorry”, I still must find a place in my heart to forgive them.  It is only through Christ that we can do so.  

“All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing.  He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil.  The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain, the victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”  Judith Herman

Duty

Read Luke 10:25-37.  What we see is someone in need being passed by the religious leaders and helped by someone of low social standing.  That needs to be you, it needs to be me.  We each have to decide if we’re going to be the Levite, priest or the Samaritan.  

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We need to hear that God loves us and hates the evil that has been perpetrated against us.  They need to know that we love them with the love of Christ.  The people who have faced abuse from a spouse need to know that you’ll stand by them, shelter them and protect them from the abuser.  We read in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 that we are to comfort others, this isn’t an option or something that we can turn a blind eye to.  Your own story of abuse doesn’t belong to only you, you’re called to use that story to help others.

"But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."  1 Corinthians 7:15

Dating (part 2…)

I wanted to add a few thing to the post I made a couple of years ago on dating.  Hopefully our perspective and view of things keep evolving and growing.   

"People may attain some natural ideas of spiritual truths by reading books, or hearing sermons, and may thereby become wise in their own conceits; they may learn to imitate the language of an experienced Christian; but they know not what they say, nor whereof they affirm, and are as distant from the true meaning of the terms, as a blind man, who pronounces the words blue or red, is from the ideas which those words raise in the mind of a person who can distinguish colours by his sight."  John Newton

There are those who can pretend to be someone they’re not.  They may have a handsome mask in which they’ve spent years perfecting.  We all wear some sort of mask, at least some of the time.  Our own fear, shame, desire to be accepted, to be loved and to be something that we believe others will want.  In a lot of ways, speaking from my own life, we are not completely authentic.  I think as followers of Christ, He will move us to be more like Him by abandoning and putting to death our natural selves.  

I think there are some important things to look for in a romantic prospect to help determine the authenticity of another.  It’s fairly easy for people to pretend to be someone they’re not and there are a few people who have spent a lifetime studying and understanding human nature in order to take advantage of others.  There are a few, who lead others to believe that the mask is real with an amazing level of effectiveness and I believe that the church is a great place for them to hide.  So, from my perspective here are a few ways to spot them and look for that authentic mate. 

"Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit, so let him do it. And if the other person is never convicted of their sin, that's an important piece of information about their spiritual health which will help you make future decisions about your relationship with them. Don't ignore it or make light of it. To never be convicted is serious business." Natalie Hoffman

I see conviction, repentance and forgiveness as being three important works of the Holy Spirit and are the hardest to fake.  We must rely on God to truly be convicted, repentant and forgiving, without the intimacy with Christ, we struggle.  For a certain group of people, it will be almost impossible for them to face their own sin, flaws or how they hurt others.  I hope that by briefly looking at these three qualities it will help identify the authenticity of a possible mate.  

“The sinner is bold and daring, and will not consider his sin, but when the Holy Spirit takes the Word of God home to his heart, He brings him to the bar of justice; He convicts him and shows him his condemnation, and the sinner feels and realizes and acknowledges his guilt and condemnation.” Larry Slawson 

“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.  In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.  For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.  For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”  2 Cor. 4:4-6 ESV

From His word we learn that conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit, I cannot be someone else’s holy spirit, I’ve tried and failed. I used to look at conviction in some kind of legalistic way.  Yet, I see it more as intimacy and tenderness now.  Speaking for myself, being convicted of my sin brings both deep guilt and beautiful joy in His forgiveness and salvation.  I’m brought low in knowing how I’ve hurt, sinned against, gone against, rebelled against my Father with whom I love.  As my love for my Father grows, my sorrow for my sin grows.  There’s also a powerful joy in being shown the hidden sin in my life and for being forgiven.  One of the consequences of habitual sin, is that it’s blinding.  

"When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness."  Oswald Chambers

“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.”  C.S. Lewis

I don’t really understand what it means in someone’s walk if they’re never or seldom convicted of sin. I do know what it’s like to have someone in my life that seldom sees how they hurt others.  Within the context of an intimate relationship, it has many negative consequences.  We all hurt others in one way or another, but the absence of guilt and remorse for that harm is important.  Justification for ongoing sin should serve as a warning to us when it comes to a relationship with that person. 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:9

Many times in my life I’ve been convicted of my sin, yet took time to repented.  As our relationship with Christ becomes more intimate, I think the time between sin and repentance grows shorter.  Within the context of an intimate courtship, being able to apologize to others is vital for many reasons.  Being willing to not only see the dirt in our lives, but being willing to go to your Father and repent.  Repentance isn’t simply asking for forgiveness, but actively turning from our sin and toward God.  "Repentance is the fruit of salvation." In an intimate relationship, pay attention to not only someone’s repentance toward you, but towards others.  Pay close attention to their willingness to be specific about their transgressions, this could be an indication of their lack of authenticity.  Pay attention to the worst relationships in their lives.  Our relationship with God is often a reflection of the worst human relationship we have.  If they hate someone, they may one day hate you.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”  Matthew 6:14

In my own life, not being willing to forgive someone has had many consequences.  It caused division in the relationship, caused bitterness to grow in my heart and most importantly the division between myself and God.  Unforgiveness for another maintains an active separation between yourself and God.  Within an intimate relationship, not willing to forgive another will cause a rot to grow and spread into every aspect of the relationship.  From my experience, if someone is unwilling to forgive someone in their lives, there will come a time when they're unwilling to forgive you.  

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I think if we love God with all our strength and love others we will be guided in the right direction.  Use conviction, repentance and forgiveness as a litmus test in our lives and even those you’re considering an intimate relationship with.  I pray that we all move toward the other in a loving and tender way.  Promoting kindness even in the most difficult of times.  I hope that this post moves you to look deeper into the heart of the person you’re considering a romantic relationship with and moves you closer to Christ.

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.”  Roman 13:8

“You can give without loving.  But you cannot love without giving.”  Unknown

Love, Kindness and Compassion

The Marriage... James Gobble & Angela Vannoy

It was a simple message that started the adventure of a lifetime.  She said hello...  On our first date she told me that she would marry me and that same night, her best friend said the same.  They were both right! Over the next month she saw in me the man she had longed for and a man that would direct her toward Christ.  I saw in her a woman that manifested all that I had longed for in a partner in a ministry that God had placed in my charge.  Together we would discover what it meant to have a loving marriage for His glory and our good.

The wedding was set for December 14th 2019 at Christ the King Church in Wilmington NC.  I had asked only two weeks before and she said yes.  We were so certain that this was God's will, two flawed and sinful people being brought together in marriage.  We met at the courthouse to get our wedding licence and the register of deeds ask me what race I was.  Me being one that doesn't like the stigma attached to race said; "All".  Angela looked at me with a straight face as the register said to her; "Honey, it's forever."

We spent Friday the 13th decorating the church and preparing the tables for over a hundred guests.  We sent out an invitation for people to bring food, we didn't even order a cake.  It would be a potluck reception.  We wanted our wedding to honor God, we wanted it to be a worship service.  We had her pastor Brad, from Fuquay preaching, my pastor Rob from CTK, giving a message, my old mentor Christian giving a message and my retired pastor Dave doing the service.  It was amazing and we had done all the right things.  We waited to have sex, we even waited until we were engaged to kiss.  We asked all the right people and read all the right books.  She had been divorce for a year and it was almost 8 years for me, yet we both knew that this was God's will.  

Dave looked at me and said; James Gobble will you take this woman to love and to hold until death do you part?  "I do", was my response.  Dave looked at her and said; Angela Vannoy will you take this man to love and to hold until death do you part?  She responded; "I do".  I now pronounce you man and wife.  We were both filled with excitement, hope, joy and praise for our Lord. 

We joined our friends and family in the fellowship hall for the potluck lunch, mingled with everyone.  I recall being next to her, watching her shine, watching her glow.  I felt like the picture frame to this amazing woman, that is my wife.  Angela Vannoy, my wife.... We made our way downtown for more photos and for us to show off to the world that we were just married.  Our eyes were on the other, our love was full and our joy was in our Lord and each other.  It was one of the most amazing days for us both and we were in love.

It is my hope, that no matter what happens in your life, no matter where you go and who you meet, that you will keep your eyes on Jesus.  That you find yourself whole in Him and in Him alone.

Dating...

I've been divorced for almost five years now and have never really sat down and defined what I'm looking for in a mate.  I've had some basic ideas, yet I've always seen good in people and simply allowed those basic guidelines to be bent here and there.  This is the first time that I've been deliberate about dating, up till now I've simply dated haphazardly.  I've been willing to settle for good when I should have been looking for great.  I've also thought about what I would tell my sons if they were to ever ask me what to look for in a woman.  

I've dated for several reasons since my separation.  I've dated for sex, we were both hurting as it ended, which left some level of baggage and nothing good came of it.  I've dated because I've seen good in someone, which isn't a good enough reason.  There's good in almost everyone and good isn't great.  God's plan is great.  I've dated because someone was fun to be around.  I've dated for a combination of these reasons and more, yet fact is while I was dating for these reasons I was missing out on God's great. 

Even though I've broke both of these rules in the past they are firm deal breakers in my future.  Never date someone who's not a Christian.  I'm not simply saying someone who doesn’t believe there's a God, but someone who doesn’t live a life reflective of the fruit of the Spirit.  Never date someone who's separated.  For one, they're still married and for another they have so much to work through with the dissolve of their marriage that they'll have little left to give to a new relationship.   

What I am looking for:

-Someone who submits to Christ.  Her relationship with Christ comes first in her life and that faithfulness will touch every aspect of her life, from her friends and family to her coworkers.  

-Someone who has a heart of compassion.  Is she willing to be understanding, can she be sympathetic for someone's struggles and does she have grace.

-Someone who's willing to grow, learn and be more.  Can she learn from her mistakes, from others and from me?

-Someone who's confident.  She has an inter assurance of who she is and why she’s here.  A sense of purpose that can only point to Christ.  She will have her own mind, idea's, goals and dreams.  

-Someone willing to wait till marriage to have sex.  It's biblical, it's God's plan and sex before marriage simply damages the relationship in someway.

-Someone willing to commit to having sex after marriage.  God intended sex to be a beautiful event in the life of a couple.  I can't wait to experience physical and emotional intimacy with my wife and have God's blessing.   

-Someone who volunteers or works in a profession that allows her to make a difference in the lives of others.  "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."  Christ loved us and commanded us to love others.  She will make that love a priority in her life.  Touching others is a reflection of our hearts.  It shows compassion, it shows courage and it shows confidence.  

-Someone who's accepting, yet courageous enough to challenge others to grow.  Not someone who ties their affection or love to performance.  

-Someone who has a sense of humor.  Can she laugh at the rough and challenging parts of life?  Will she laugh with me in the big and small events?  Someone willing to at least laugh at some of my jokes. 

-Someone who is willing to face their own sin and mistakes.  They're willing to not only admit to mistakes, but willing to be specific.  If they're not specific in their sin and how that sin impacted others, they will not be willing to do so for you.  This is vital if a relationship is to be successful.  

There are other things that matter.  The influences on her life such as her friends.  A willingness to have a partnership that reflects oneness, honesty, loyalty, patience, industrious and being good tempered are important qualities.  What's also important is can someone else see these qualities in me?

How can I expect a Christian relationship if I'm not willing to live a Christian life?  Am I willing to be the man that will attract this woman?  I'm not looking for perfect, perfectly imperfect is more like it.  Fresh from the battle lines, scared and at times bloody.  Mistakes and messes in her past, yet with courage she presses forward.  Like me, she will be willing to see a damaged heart, she Christ's hand in my life and reach out for me.

Proverbs 31

Love, compassion and courage

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

I want to be a better man with each step I take in this life.  Of course, I'm often times distracted by different things and people.  But by far my biggest distraction are my own desires.  I really want to know and learn about an open heart and the role that our hearts play in our lives.  I truly want to grasp what it means to be open, authentic and vulnerable.  The one thing that has remained constant in my search is that it always changes.  My perspective on the topics change and once again I'm faced with reexamining portions of my discoveries.  Here's a few things that I see today.

The Good...

I have found that if I live an authentic and vulnerable life I will have more joy and happiness.  I have come into a place that being open hearted has allowed such beauty into my life.  Frankly, there are times that I can't even understand or process some of the joy and beauty that I see.  I see it in others as well.  Those few who live a life open and loving toward others and themselves.  I sincerely believe that living a life that reflects our hearts, being authentic and vulnerable, brings the greatest level of joy and happiness that we can have in our short lives.

The Bad...

As I live a life that reflects my heart I allow the beauty in me to flow out to others.  There's also the not so beautiful parts of me that flows out.  The ugly damaged parts of my life, my fear, my doubt and my selfishness also flows.  I don't think I can control the bad without affecting the good.  If I try and filter what flows from me than I end up filtering the good with the bad.  I don't think we can have an honest life if we're always trying to control what flows from our heart.  What you see is what you get.  With my good, there's also my bad.  I'm afraid sometimes, I want control sometimes, I doubt sometimes.  There are things that lie in the depths of my heart that aren't beautiful and those who know my heart see those imperfections.  My flaws, and yours, are part of who we are and having the courage to allow the world around us to see all of us is in my eyes profoundly beautiful.

The Ugly...

The ugly truth is, the more we allow others to see our true selves the more they will reject, criticize and judge us for our flaws and failures.  That's just the way it is and there's no getting around it.  We may be praised one minute and condemned the next.  Frankly, I've struggled with this ugly truth.  I think most of us seek guarantees and assurances in life, especially in relationships.  When we see the beauty in another, we can't imagine that there's also darkness.  But there is and it's in us all. 

In my mind, I sometimes see a world where we look at others and have compassion for those people who are flawed, yes, that's everyone.  We see the beauty in everyone around us and not only accept their imperfections, but embrace them.

The Beautiful...

We may know this; God see's all of us.  All of our hearts, every single beautiful and dark place in us.  Nothing remains hidden.  We may know this, but we don't believe it.  Not really.  If we did truly believe this we would all follow a different path and see the world in a new light.   In spite of my heart there's a place in the heart of God that only I can fill.  His love for me isn't based on His emotions or my politically correct actions or words, but instead simply on who I am.  His love for you is the same.

I think God wants us to live a life that is authentic and open.  I think He wants us to live a life that reflects our hearts and I think above all else He wants us to be free.  I feel that freedom more and more in my life, yet I struggle for the words to capture it.

Love, Courage, Kindness and Compassion


"Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.  Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness..."  Galatians 5:16  

"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."  Proverbs 27:19

A Lions roar...

Two dead in a weeks time. Two Gold Star kids, Alex Calahan age 13 and Destiny Stafford age 15, that I've shared part of this journey with have had their lives ended. I've struggled for the words to write on this page and I've struggled for the words to say to each of the families. What do we say to someone who's lost so much. You see, these families are not new to grief nor is this the first time they've seen death. Both families have had a father/husband die in service to our country. So what can I say to them now? How can the grief that is now their's be eased by my words?  

I could write something beautiful about each of their lives.  The kindness that I saw from a boy in Texas and the smiles and beauty I saw in a girl in North Carolina.  I could write about what their fathers did and how they died.  Yet I want to write about the next chapter.  I want to write about what comes next in the lives of these two young people and in our lives.

This very moment we have great power, some of us know it's there, yet we fear using it.  We have the power to change lives.  We can choose to heal wounds, help someone in some way, build someone and touch a life.  We can also choose to cause harm, sharpened spears aimed at the heart of another, to destroy and to kill.  We have this power you see, each of us have this power inside of us.  

Most of us choose to sit on the sidelines of the world around us.  Doing the basics needed to survive and make it through another day.  We close our eyes to the war raging around us and simply take care of our own.  Yet regardless of where we were yesterday or the sins of complacency that we committed in our lives we have this day to make a difference and change our direction.

You see, we are Lions!  We are powerful beyond belief and we can change the world!  The moments don't come often for most of us and most of the time we have to seek them out.  The moments we have to touch someone's life and make a difference in the world around us.  A moment to roar like lions...

We will be afraid, we will face those who want to stop us or change us into bitter hoards of self-seeking humans.  Yet if we can look deep into our hearts, summon the courage that is there and with the loudest of voices roar!      

These two young people touched lives while they were with us, yet even after death they are touching lives.  Alex is now a battle flag unfurled in a great war for the hearts of thousands.  His life and death is now being used to save lives in our battle against suicide.  Destiny's body was given to six other families that now have hope for life.  She will go on and change the world through new families.  Her heart still beats strong and her courage lives still.

It is our turn.  Our turn to take advantage of this moment.  Let us use these two amazing people as an inspiration and guide to reach out to the world around us, to touch a single life, and in doing so change the world forever.  Reach out in love, practice compassion, be courageous in our pursuits and be kind to the souls around us.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”  Marianne Williamson

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
Howard Thurman

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." Mark Twain

Love, Grief and all that stuff… (Part 3)

I looked deep into her eyes and into the depths of her soul. She was radiant, beautiful and I was totally taken by what I saw. This woman in a brilliant flash shared her soul with me and I was taken! She was indeed beautiful. I'm not referring to her body or the clothes she wore, it was her heart and soul...It was who she is at the core.

Every woman has something beautiful about them and every woman has in the depths of her heart questions that they've struggled to answer. Women are the healers of the world, the comforters and the givers. A woman once she gives birth has "a piece of her heart walking around outside of her." She can use acceptance in church, work and family in her life to hide from her questions. She can try and control her life, make it what she believes will bury these questions. But her question still remains. Every woman wants to know if she's beautiful, if she's alluring and if she is lovely.

Her wounds are deep and continue to grow deeper and wider through adulthood. Many women had absent/abusive fathers or men in their lives that answered the question and the answer they heard was "no", "there is nothing lovely about you." Wounds continue with there husbands, children and others as they either dominate and control or become a desolate woman who's needy and lost her sense of self.

As a kid my father answered my own questions. I have wondered if I was good enough, if I was man enough or strong enough. I think most men also ask these same questions. In the absence of the the answers or when the answer is a "no" we turn to proving ourselves, wearing masks, pretending and posing. We are by far the biggest group of fakers of the sexes and we hide almost our entire lives.

"No man, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildard as to which may be the truth." Nathaniel Hawthorne

In the absence of my fathers validation and answers I turned to the women in my life. At some point in almost every romantic relationship I turned to them to validate or answer those questions and almost every man has done the same. She can no more answer the question than my dog Jake, yet here I am asking her to. Am I enough, do I have what it takes?

We look to each other for validation. I look to a woman to not only love me, share with me but also to validate me as a man. I look to her for my greatest question, the question that was answered in such a powerful and piercing way. I ask for validation. She too looks to me for validation. The woman with the broken heart, the woman who long ago was had her own question answered. She looks to me and asks.

One of a woman's greatest fears is being left alone or abandoned. This is so engrained by the time a woman is an adult that if they actually find someone that will stick with them they simply don't trust it. Often times pushing away those who are willing to stay or stand by them. A self fulfilling prophecy. I think most women are in their heart filled will loneliness.

Why are so many men refusing to engage? Why are we stuck in a place of anger, lust and fear? Why can't we dive deeper into the hearts of the women we love? Why can't we be more honorable and valiant? Seems most men live their lives in quiet desperation and the women in our lives have come to a place of acceptance of this. We lack the adventure and passion for life that once swelled our soul. We lack the courage to face questions long left unanswered and the willingness to confront the depths of the women we love.

I'll be honest, the depths of a woman's heart is beyond my ability to understand fully. In it is a vast amount of pain, suffering and anguish. There is also great love and kindness. I've seen into the heart of a woman, deep into her heart and doing so can be dangerous. To go there means to face my own questions. It's also a place that I'm deeply afraid I will not be able to help her. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail her? Does she believe in me? These are things that are hard for a woman to understand and very hard for a man to face.

Loving Better

I started with a question, how do I love better? Each time I came close to an answer or closer to understanding it would change and see something new. Any of us can pick up a book about how to build a better relationship and include things like communication, quality time and so on. Yet there are much deeper questions that we all have and these questions are at the center of our being.

I think the first step in loving better is to look at our own hearts. To reach deep and discover our own damage and our own scars. To find the courage to face the things that scare us to death. We must be willing to reach deep into our wounds and find healing. And we can not do this without being real, authentic and vulnerable.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best , night and day , to make you everybody but yourself - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight- and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings

We must also be willing to accompany our mates into those places and accept them. Have the courage to really listen to her as she exposes her beautiful, radiant and messy soul. Stand next to him as he lets down his masks and allows you to see that he is very much afraid, and offer him love and healing. A woman has the ability to do something that men just aren't very good at, they can help heal a mans heart. In a relationship, we are meant to speak to the others wounds. We offer the other our joy, happiness, beauty and strength.

We also need to stop holding on to the past. That includes past expectations, past lovers, past hopes and dreams. We need to be in the present, in the moment. Stop looking at the joys of a past relationship, comparing ourselves to their past loves and comparing our mates/relationship to the highlight reels on Facebook. Comparisons rob us of happiness today. We also need to stop judging them and start accepting them. Judgment does four things, we lose fellowship with God, exposes pride and insecurity, harms relationships, and invites God to judge us by our own standards. "A critical spirit is a costly vise." Our judgement reflects our own insecurity and pain.

In a relationship we have the opportunity to find at least part of the answers we've been asking all our lives. Yet there is truly only one place we can find those answers. It is from God. It is only in growing our understanding of his love for us and understanding that it was He that was meant to fill those places in us. It is in He that we can find the answers. We truly cannot know the depths of a romantic love and truly know joy in our lives without an intimate relationship with God.

We always believe that we aren't ready for a romantic relationship. We will never be healed enough or know enough, but that's part of it. It isn't in perfection, but in the willingness to strive forward and grow that we should look. Love is certainly a beautiful "action" and we should enjoy it while we have someone in our lives. The grief we have after love ends is the price we pay for love and as terrible as it can be, it was well worth the pain.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

Love, courage, kindness and compassion

http://www.powerofpositivity.com/9-signs-time-let-go-relationship/